


Turn

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Betrayal, F/M, Female Reader, Ice Queen, Internal Conflict, Light/Dark conflict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 02:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13090467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Reader was a padawan at Luke's temple with Ben. Her life changed when Ben brought the temple crashing down, and not at all for the better. She's gone Dark, she's gone cold, but she's still got plans.*Basically, Ben's ex-girlfriend hates Kylo and plots his downfall.*Obviously... Spoilers for The Last Jedi.





	1. Hate

**Author's Note:**

> So, let me preface this with "The First Order are not Sith". Rian Johnson has confirmed this. The First Order are Dark Side, but not Sith. Emperor Palpatine was the last true Sith, the end of the bloodline, but reader has become "culturally" Sith. It could be seen as appropriation, but it's appropriation of a dead culture.

"I don't want to hear it."

"I, most definitely don't need to say it, Supreme Leader Ren." You stood next to his door, posture straight, arms tucked behind your back, as you looked across your master's quarters at him.

"You don't need to _think_ it, either." He growled.

You smirked and stepped away from the door, arms still secure behind your back. "I watched the footage of the fight, Master. He looked just like he did at the temple, didn't he? Hadn't aged a day, his isolation taking no toll. Do you suppose that's how Skywalker saw himself, or just how he wanted you and your mother to see him?"

"I said-"

"I haven't even begun to point out your failures of yesterday." You cut him off, with conviction. "You _let_ those rebels escape. You were so focused on your anger that you couldn't sense that Skywalker was on a remote island on some planet halfway across the galaxy, instead of right in front of you. Hate is a powerful emotion, but not when it blinds you to the truth. Oh, and the girl. _Rey_." Her name slipped out of your mouth like poison. "If you think, for one second, that I believe that junkrat mechanic from Jakku is the one who killed Master Snoke, you've obviously underestimated my intelligence. I've no problem with you taking your rightful command. Most Sith Masters met the same fate Snoke did; death at the hands of their apprentice, but do not _lie_ to me, _Ben_."

"I think, sometimes, you forget who the Master in this situation is." He said, standing. He turned his brown eyes on you and you fought down the shiver they caused.

"In the bedroom, or out of it?" You asked, unable to resist bringing up the relationship you used to have before becoming his apprentice.

"Comments like that are why Snoke felt it was a bad idea for me to train you."

"Snoke thought there might be emotions that would cloud us. We proved him wrong." You snarled up at him as he stalked closer. "There's only anger here, now."

"And hatred. Don't forget the hate." 

You scoffed at him, untucking your arms and glaring. "We must never forget the passion and fire of our hate. Through it, we gain strength." You turned and pressed the button to open his door. "But let's not forget a bit of sense is good to have, too."

You stepped out of his quarters and strode down the hallway toward the bridge. If there were a reason for you not to be Kylo Ren's apprentice, it definitely wasn't Light like Snoke had assumed. No, there was no longer love between you and Kylo Ren. There was deep anger and horrid, passionate hate. When you were young, training under Luke Skywalker at the temple, you'd assumed that you and Ben would be together forever. You'd spent your youth hiding the connection from the Jedi Master, the _legend_ , Skywalker. As far as you knew, Luke had become one with the Force without ever knowing about you and Ben, but Snoke had picked up on it without ever meeting you. You knew that he'd used it to grow the darkness in Ben and that used to fill you with guilt. Not anymore.

When he destroyed the temple, when he gave you and the other padawans the opportunity to go with him and he took the name Kylo Ren, you'd gone with him. You had given up the Light for him. You'd sacrificed everything you knew for him. And you'd no sooner kneeled before Snoke than Ben rebuffed you, saying you were Ben Solo's weakness and that Kylo Ren was too powerful for you. You grabbed a transport and left the First Order to Snoke and Kylo. You learned and repeated the Sith Code to yourself for days, using your pain to spur on your quest for knowledge and strength in the Force. Where you'd only ever let yourself drown in one emotion, love for Ben, you used your newfound pain and anger to access parts of the Force you'd never imagined. When Snoke finally took notice of your power, he'd wanted to pass you off to another Dark Lord, but you refused. If Snoke wouldn't train you, then Kylo would, or you'd continue training yourself and grow unchecked. You might have been too weak to be Kylo Ren's lover but you were going to be strong enough to be his end.

Because you were a student of history and you knew what happened when an apprentice became stronger than his or her master. More Darths and Dark Lords had lost their lives to their apprentices than to the Jedi.

You stepped on the bridge and relished the fear you felt from the First Order officers as you marched past, cape flowing behind you. "Hux!" You shouted.

The pallid ginger turned from his screen. "What?" His blue eyes went wide slightly at the sight of you. "Oh, yes."

"Now!" You demanded, turning to march back the way you came without checking to see if he was following. Of course, the general was following you. You scared him, but not as much as you aroused him and he would do almost anything you asked if he knew he'd get a taste of you.

You didn't much care for General Hux. Armitage was opportunistic and slimy, a perfect First Order rat who'd do anything for power. (It was no wonder a man his age was in charge of First Order armies, with how manipulative he was.) He wasn't well-hung or particularly great in bed, but he was good at taking directions and he had the added bonus of being the one man Kylo hated more than he hated the looming cloud of his mother's rebellion. 

You were removing your gloves before you made it to your quarters, opening the door with the Force and heading in. Your cape floated to its hook and you threw your gloves onto your desk. "Clothes off." You didn't give him a chance to fully enter your quarters before you used the Force to pop open the clasps on his military jacket. 

"Of-of course, but I-I really have to talk to you about-" He stuttered as the door slid closed behind him and he started to undress. "-about Kylo Ren." His body went rigid as you stopped him, reaching out with your hand and sneering at him.

"We do not speak of the Supreme Leader in my chambers. This is an area free of the past, free of the future. We don't need to _speak_ of anything, do you understand, Armitage? You didn't run after me to _complain_ , did you?" He shook his head as best he could while still being held tight by your power. "Good. We wouldn't want for me to have to go find someone else to blow off steam with, would we?"

"Y/n, I-" Hux started, but your eyes narrowed at him. "Lord Shax, please. I will leave my...  _complaining_ until we're done. Let me move?" He looked down. "Please?"

You dropped him and turned, moving to pull your robes off. "I don't want to talk about him. You know that, don't you? Is that why you're-"

"His failure yesterday needs to be addressed."

"By me?" You turned to him, wearing only your bra and bikini panties. You gestured at the pale man standing nude in front of you. "Or _you_? I am his apprentice. You are but one of the generals of the First Order. Which of us needs to address his failure? And what, exactly, do you think will come of it when we do?"

"You're stronger than he-"

"You're wrong." You interrupted. "He has always been stronger than me, but someday... When I am strong enough, you will know it." You growled, turning and stalking into your bedroom. Hux followed, his eyes hitting the floor as soon as you sat on the edge of your bed. You scooted back, pulling your undergarments off and spread your legs. "You know what to do."

The ginger was between your legs quickly, licking at the inside of your thigh, up to the crease where your hip and leg met. He'd learned so well since the first time you laid together. He nibbled at the junction before moving to lick hungry stripes from your entrance to your clit. He made happy noises as he licked at you, and they were the only sounds in the room. You never moaned for Armitage Hux. You'd gasped once, when he'd (accidentally) brushed that special spot inside, but you almost always kept yourself silent. At first, he'd thought it was a challenge, that he'd make you moan if only he kept working at it, but he'd given up on that goal months ago.

You'd felt him thinking of you as an Ice Queen once, in the afterglow of your time together, during the short moment before you tossed him out of your bed. You were fine for him to think of you that way. You were cold to him, because no one would ever feel the warmth you used to possess. Your warmth died before Korriban. Maybe that's why you'd liked the red desert so much.

You let him lie in your bed, sweaty and breathless from his exertion, for a full five minutes before you stood and walked into your lavatory. He'd be gone before your shower was done. He knew, by now, what you wanted. You felt him leave before the water in your shower had heated.

***********_

"You must not be very good at that."

Hux swallowed and turned to the voice. Kylo Ren stood a few feet down the hall, staring at him. "Wha-" He cleared his throat. "What do you mean?"

"When I had her, we had to find a secluded cave, far away from the temple. We had to isolate ourselves because she just couldn't keep her noises down. Have you ever heard her moan, Hux?" Kylo took several intimating steps down the hall toward Hux. "She actually has two very distinctive moans. The whiny one was my favorite. It's so full of  _need_. But the other one, it's this breathy... blissful sound."

"I don't know what-"

"If you were any good at that, there would be no _rumors_ about the two of you, no question about whether you were fucking my apprentice. The entire First Order would know what her moans sounded like."

Hux sighed and looked away as Ren walked past, intimidated, but a spark of anger caused his mouth to open. "She hates you, you know?"

"Not nearly as much as she hates herself." Ren replied, disappearing around a corner.

*******†

The water was scalding and the soap you used on your skin was caustic and irritating, but you couldn't let the smell of Armitage Hux linger. He was good for what he was good for but he had no place in your senses. Your skin was red by the time you exited the shower, but you were clean of him. Your droid had replaced your bedding and made your room smell like a dry desert heat. It reminded you of Korriban, where you'd dug up all of the history and teachings of the Sith.

When Kylo found you on Korriban, you'd been ready to attack him, with your newly forged red-crystal saber, but you'd let him take you to his ship, instead. An intimidating hologram of Snoke told you that they'd felt your power growing in the Force and you were to come back to the First Order fleet, start training with a Master instead of the solo training you'd been doing. Solo training was dangerous, for them, because unchecked growth might end up grey. And grey just wasn't good for the Dark Side "balance". 

"How did you get so powerful, y/n? From old Sith books and dusty cave walls?" Kylo's voice had been disbelieving, with undertones that said it must be borrowed power.

"Hate... and holocrons." You'd answered from his navigator seat. "And it's not 'y/n', anymore. She died with Ben Solo. It's Shax."

Training with Kylo had been hard. Neither of you wanted to touch each other unless it was to hurt the other and when you started to infiltrate each other's minds, it only got worse; both of you evoking nightmares of days passed into each other and twisting each other's memories. Kylo was better at it than you, as with almost all things (your emotional control was unparalleled). By the time Snoke gave you your title (you'd requested a Sith title), Lord Shax, you felt you'd been put through the wringer, but it was worth it. Your training was complete, meaning the freedom the Sith Code promised, but you weren't a Knight of Ren like the other padawans Ben poached for the Dark Side. You were a Dark Lord of the Sith (the only one since Vader destroyed Palpatine) and that brought the number of people who could command you to two. One, now that Snoke was dead.

You were sure that Kylo wanted you gone as much as you wanted to be away from him, but you couldn't leave until the Supreme Leader gave you your leave... and Kylo wouldn't do that because he knew that was what you wanted. So, you would just antagonize him until he sent you away... or killed you.

Your droid beeped at you and you rolled your eyes. "You're an opinionated little shit, BB-752." It whirred at you. "I _want_ you to keep quiet unless spoken to. You aren't here to give unsolicited advice." It beeped, made a raspberry noise and rolled away from you. The droid had been around you most of your life, a gift from your parents before you left to train at Skywalker Temple. It knew you, had seen your transformation from warm and loving Jedi to cold, hateful Sith. It still made little comments about turning back, no matter how many times you sent it for First Order upgrades; artifacts of its former life, and yours, that wouldn't go away.

You pulled your gloves back on and checked your hair for fly-aways before leaving your quarters, BB-752 rolling along behind you as you headed for the Supreme Leader's throne room. You kneeled in front of Kylo and waited for him to acknowledge you. He stared at you for a few minutes before sighing. "What do you want, Shax?"

You stood, tucking your arms behind you. "In light of the rebels' escape, I wanted to leave the fleet and put my abilities to good use tracking them down."

"How, exactly, do you plan to do that? It's a big galaxy."

"And they're in an ugly old freight ship that is far from inconspicuous. I can find the  _Falcon_ , Supreme Leader." You promised.

"And when you do..." He stood, using his height and those stupid brown eyes to try to intimidate you. "When you find the  _Falcon_ and the Resistance, are you going to take them on by yourself?"

"Of course not, my Lord. I am but one of your _many_ tools. Allow me to track them down and then you can call in the fleet to decimate them, be the true end of the Resistance."

He scoffed and pushed his hair out of his face. "I feel like you try to leave faster every time you come here, Shax."

You swallowed down the urge to growl at him about hate. That wasn't talk for others to hear. Respect must be shown, especially when it might undermine him. He was still too strong to stand up to. "Simply feel I am of better use elsewhere, Supreme Leader. Do you not agree? Or perhaps you have use of me here?" 

"Of course not. I have no use for you." He turned and sat back down on his throne. "Take your droid with you, this time. It's pathetic, how it roams the halls looking for you when you're gone." He said, dismissively. 

You nodded, thanking him as you and your pathetic droid left the red room. You'd find the _Falcon_ , all right. You'd find the Resistance and offer them assistance in taking Kylo Ren down. You weren't powerful enough to do it alone, but with the girl, with Rey, maybe you'd be able to pull it off.

**********†

Something in the Force told you to go the Abednedo, which was difficult due to the still-active climate disruption array the Galactic Empire put in the atmosphere decades ago. The storms we're meant to make the planet uninhabitable, but instead it just made it a perfect hiding spot. You docked your ship and took your black and red robes off. You dressed in civilian clothes, or as close as you could manage, and headed into the closest tavern. The abednedos ignored you. "I'd like a drink and some information." You said, sitting down at the bar. They ignored you. "I know you speak Basic."

"And I know a Sith when I see one." The old bartender responded. 

You rolled your eyes. You aren't 'a' Sith, you are 'the' Sith. * _The First Order are not Sith.*_  "Listen, you catfish-looking monstrosity, if I were here as a Sith Lord, I would have come with the First Order fleet behind me. I would have come with my lightsaber, which is secured on my ship, not my hip. Now, do I need to bring the lightning or are you going to give me a drink?" The man sighed and placed something akin to a beer in front of you. "Thank you. Now, I'm looking for a woman called 'Rey'. I can feel that she's been here... can see the recognition in your eyes. Now, you can tell me where to find her, or I can take the knowledge from you. I'm sure you would prefer the option that doesn't involve pain."

He told you quickly. "I'm going to warn her you're coming." He responded as you downed your beer.

"Of course."

They were running for the  _Millennium Falcon_  by the time you got to the hangar, a BB unit rolling along behind them. You reached out with the Force and yanked their droid backward. "BB-8!" The pilot shouted.

"Rey, the Jedi, Finn, the Traitor, and Poe, the pilot. You know, the Resistance really shouldn't have all its heroes in one place." You let the droid go as the Rebels turned and moved into fighting stances. "I told that barkeep that I don't want to fight."

"What do you want?" Rey asked, her hand tightening on her staff.

"Kylo Ren's head on a pike." You answered.

"Why would you want that?" Finn demanded. "Aren't you on the same side?"

"You don't know much about the Dark Side, do you? This kind of betrayal is actually quite common in Sith culture. We were a society that championed strength. Strength can't abide weakness, so when an apprentice overtakes his master, this is how it ends up." You stepped closer to them. Rey mirrored you. "Unfortunately, I'm not strong enough to do it alone."

"So, you want us to help you take over the First Order?" Poe Dameron asked.

"No. I don't care about the Order. It can die with Ren; or Hux can have it, I really couldn't care less."

"Then, why do you want Ben dead?" Rey asked, softly.

You flinched, slightly, at her calling him, 'Ben', but moved on. "He killed someone I loved."

Rey swallowed and reached out with her hand, stepping closer. "Show me."

"Rey." Finn warned.

"You want to see..." You smiled as you pulled your glove off. "You want to see why I turned Sith. Gladly." You grasped her hand in yours and pushed memories into her head; fully formed in substance, but fuzzy enough that she wouldn't recognize the memories were of Ben Solo.

The first time you saw him at the Temple, the first time you kissed, the feeling of love you felt while lying in his arms, the fear and uncertainty of Ben standing in the ruins of the Temple, leaving Snoke's ship to go to Korriban and dig up everything you could about the old Sith religion.

"If he did this... why would you be his apprentice?" She whispered, pulling back.

"You think I should have let him kill me. Well, in a lot of ways, he _did_." 752 beeped at you. "I died at the Temple, just the same as Ben Solo and the others. Because he's not _turnable_." You growled at your droid. "Isn't that right, Rey?"

"There's still conflict in Ben." She urged.

"There's not even _Ben_ in Ben, anymore! There is only Kylo Ren, and he will only bring more pain to the galaxy if we don't kill him."

"And then? What will you do with your pain, then?"

"Well, if it were just down to you and me, Rey, I'd call that balance, don't you agree? One Light, one Dark, both pushed there by love... and pain. I'd probably turn hermit, like Skywalker. People tend to piss me off."

"Rey! Come on, you can't be listening to this!" Poe demanded.

"She's holding something back, I can feel that much. Her past should be crystal clear, it's the future that should be fuzzy. But her pain is real."

"Yeah? I got pain, too. That is Lord Shax! She helped Phasma indoctrinate stormtroopers. Me! She-" Finn started.

"Nothing personal, Finn. I went where I was sent. Better me than one of the Knights. Those First Order kids have no control."

"Oh, you do because you follow some ancient, evil religion?!" Finn exclaimed. "I'm sorry, I take Force choking and messing with my head real fuckin' personal."

"It doesn't matter. Rey's made her decision." You said, smirking.

She turned to them. "She has access we could never dream of."

"Leave it to the Jedi to analyze a situation without accounting for emotion." You said, walking toward the Falcon's ramp. "' _ **There is no emotion. There is peace**_.'" You quoted as a semi-familiar Wookiee stepped into the doorway onto the _Millennium Falcon_. "Huh, I would've thought you'd've died with your master."

He roared at you, but you just shrugged. "'Master, 'Friend', do the Solos really know the difference?" He roared again and BB-752 started to beep and whir at him. You sighed and pushed past Chewbacca onto the ship.

Memories washed over you as you looked around. You'd been on the _Falcon_ once, just once, when Han came to visit Ben and Luke. Ben sneaked you onto the ship and pulled you around the freighter, excitedly showing you all of the ship's secrets, before the two of you took refuge in one of the smuggling compartments and made love. He'd covered your mouth to muffle your moans, but he made sure to let you know that the Wookiee would doubtlessly smell you, whether anyone heard or not.

"Are you all right?" Rey asked, walking up and noticing your far-away look.

"You'd think it would smell better after sitting empty for so long." You covered, easily. you stopped Chewbacca as the others walked ahead to the rest of the ship. "If you want revenge on the man who killed Han Solo, you'll keep your mouth shut about me and Ben."

He made a questioning noise. "Because he hasn't _been_ Ben in a very long time and he never will be again. That was the whole point of him killing your friend; to prove that Kylo was the only thing left in him." He made another warbling noise. "Because they won't help me if they know I have more than an Apprentice/Master connection with him."

You sighed and looked toward the cockpit. "Look, I don't have a lot of Light left in me, but what I _have_ is pushing me to do what's right, to honor the memory of y/f/n y/l/n and Ben Solo. I owe it to them." 752 beeped at you. "I am not turnable, either, you hunk of junk! I didn't study and work my ass off alone on Korriban learning the ways of the Sith, just to turn back to the Light and _conflict does not a Jedi make._ " You whispered, furiously, before turning back to the Wookiee. "Don't tell them, Chewbacca. Please." The Wookiee nodded, moving toward the cockpit. 

*************

His voice was unmistakable, even filtered through the Force. _"Let's get this out of the way. Where are you?"_

"Do you ever get tired of asking that? You know I'm not going to tell you." Rey said as you walked up to the sitting area and hid. 

_"I'd be remiss if I didn't ask, Rey."_

"And I'd be remiss if I told you, Ben." There was a moment of silence. "I didn't know you had an apprentice."

_"So, she's gotten close enough to finding you that you know about her, then? Interesting. I, honestly, thought she was lying when she said she'd track you down. She tends to say anything to get away from me."_

"Why's that?"

_"She hates me... and I would have left her to rot among her precious Sith ruins at the Academy, if it'd been up to me."_

"Why wasn't it? You're her Master."

_"Snoke thought she was useful. The Supreme Leader wanted her with us and what I wanted wasn't taken into account."_

"Why do you hate each other?" There was another silence. "Ben. Why do you hate each other?"

_"She was at Luke's Temple with me. I guess I destroyed her shot at the Light Side."_

"I feel like it's a bit more than that."

_"There was a boy she had an affair with. He didn't make it out of the Temple."_

"So, you killed the boy she loved?"

_"I took her love and I gave her hatred and a reason to strengthen herself through the Dark Side. I am the reason she revived Sith culture in herself."_

"So, why do _you_ hate her? If you think you made her better, why would you-"

_"Why do you care?"_

Rey sighed. "I like to understand. Like you. I wanted to understand _you_."

_"You wanted to save me. Not the same thing."_

"You should have let me. You should have-"

_"I've killed my past, Rey. My past is unreachable. That's what I wanted."_

"Well, it's not fair to your past, is it?"

_"I don't care about-"_

You heard Rey sigh as Kylo's presence disappeared from the ship. You walked into the sitting area and looked across at Rey, who looked disappointed. "How long has that been a thing?"

"Wha-"

"The Force has connected you with Kylo Ren. He never mentioned- but, of course, why would he? Do your friends know?"

"Luke knew. I keep trying to bring it up to Finn and Poe, but they don't have the Force. They wouldn't understand." Rey stood.

"Everyone has the Force. Every _thing_  has it. Some are just more sensitive to its workings than others." You stepped in front of her. "You can't trust him. He's not savable. There is no good in Kylo Ren."

"That's not true. I've seen his conflict, but he's so determined to hold onto his beliefs."

"Not his beliefs, Rey. His _power_. He's the strongest Dark Side Force user in the galaxy, now. He won't give that up for a past he threw away in fear."

"Okay. What about you? Your droid seems to think you've got enough good in you."

"He doesn't understand. He's a piece of machinery. I'm not a droid that can be put back to factory settings. The damage that I've caused, and has been caused to me, it's too much, Rey." You sat down and crossed your legs to meditate.

"I don't believe that." She walked toward the cockpit. "I think, if you learned to deal with your pain, you could be good again."

"Hope. That's new."

"Or, rather, it's old." She smiled before disappearing into the cockpit.

"Either way... it's misplaced." You muttered, before closing your eyes.


	2. Save Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the Poe/reader. Sexy times to be had next chapter.

"So, she's defected from the First Order?" Leia asked over the radio, from the new Resistance base.

"I get the sense that she didn't really want anything to do with them in the first place, that she was only a part of it because Ben made her be." Rey responded.

"This could be a big win for us, if true. Lord Shax is in the same position Kylo Ren was, apprentice to the Supreme Leader, and we have it on authority that she has a _close_ relationship with Armitage Hux." Her tone said the relationship was likely sexual.

"Really?!" Poe exclaimed in surprised disgust. Everyone else in the cockpit turned to him with judgment on their faces. "I'm sorry, but... have you _seen_ Hux? I mean, I know Shax is evil and all, but... I would just think a woman who looks like that would be, you know, pickier with her evil lovers."

"Well, the rumors are unsubstantiated, Poe. Maybe you should ask her how much truth there is to them." Leia's voice was amused. 

"Anyway." Rey shook her head at Poe and turned back to the comm console. "I think she just wants it to be over, all of it. She said she's willing to give us as much information as we need to put an end to... Kylo Ren."

"Right. Well, hopefully it isn't a Dark Side trick. Sedate her and bring her in." 

"May the Force be with you, General." Rey said, reaching forward but not turning off the communication, yet.

"And with you." General Organa said, before the sound cut out.

Finn and Rey turned to Poe. "Go pump her full of sedatives." Finn instructed, smiling.

"What? Why me?" 

"Do you really need to ask? After that whole 'A woman who looks like-'." Rey started, with a smirk.

"Oh, come on. Fine." Poe rolled his eyes, grabbing a hypo-spray gun and heading for the sitting area, where Shax was meditating again. Her face was hard, her eyebrows drawn together. She didn't look peaceful or anything like he expected someone who was meditating to look. "You meditate this much, normally?"

"I've been trying to detach my presence from the Force." She said, her eyelids popping open. "When Kylo Ren discovers I'm no longer confederate to his Order, he'll go looking for me. We're... connected." Her eyes flashed to the hypo-spray gun. "General Organa has cleared me for a meeting, then?"

"Just gotta knock you out before we go to lightspeed. Wouldn't want to risk you knowing where the base is."

"Of course not. I expected as much. Go ahead, fly-boy. I won't bite." She smirked, moving her head to reveal her neck to him. He took a deep breath and stepped forward, pressing the gun to her skin. "Or are you afraid you're going to hurt me? Because you shouldn't be." 

"Not that you look delicate or anything, just..." He cleared his throat. "I just know these seds burn like hell goin' in."

"That's cute, Poe. Been a long time since someone was worried about hurting _me_." She looked up into his face, her y/e/c eyes drilling into his brown ones. "I have definitely had worse, pretty-boy. Go ahead."

He pressed the gun harder into her neck and depressed the trigger. He pulled it away and set it to the side as his eyes searched her for some sign that the sedatives were hurting her, but found none. As her eyes started to droop, he stood. "So, when you give us the access we need to take down Kylo Ren, is your boyfriend going to take over as Supreme Leader?"

"Don't have a boyfriend. Just a... coconspi-conspirator. Hates Ren as much as me." Her eyes began to blink rapidly as she tried to fight the medicine. "I hate Ben as much as me." She mumbled as she drifted off. He sighed, staring down at her slumped form, somehow still maintaining her crossed legs. A softness had overtaken her features. If she weren't evil, if she weren't  _Lord Shax,_  she might look cute, innocent even. 

He laid her down, pulling her legs straight and resting her head on a pile of robes. He secured her hands with a pair of thick cuffs and moved a few flyaway hairs out of her face. She really was beautiful and that was a horrible thing because Poe Dameron had always been a sucker for a beautiful, dangerous woman.

************†

When you walked into the command room, Chewbacca was on your left, Rey on your right, and Finn was straggling behind with Poe, who was avoiding looking at you or getting too close. Your hands were clasped together in front of you as you stepped in front of an instantly-recognizable older woman, sitting on a high stool in front of a large computer terminal. "Lord Shax. Step closer." She beckoned.

Every rebel present reached for their weapons. "I think your guards here might be a bit wary of that request, General."

"Oh, she's fine." The general chuckled, waving at the room. "In fact, why don't you give us the room? She's not a danger to me. Go on." Everyone looked worried as they slowly filed out. When it was just the two of you in the room, she licked her lips and got down from the stool. "So... you're the one Ben was sleeping with at the Jedi Temple, aren't you?"

Your breath caught, completely thrown off by her question. "How did you-"

"Han figured it out. Some things a father just knows. Said he was sure it was this little Onderonian girl named 'y/n'. That's you, right?"

You swallowed. "Not in a very long time."

"But you were... before you took the name 'Shax'." She stepped in front of you. "Did you love him?"

"With every bit of me, General." You whispered.

"So, you just followed him into the Darkness?"

"He..." You looked at your feet. "He tossed me into the abyss by denouncing our-"

"You didn't try to save him?"

"There's no saving him." You looked up, eyes narrowing. "Your son is dead, General Organa. He died _years_ ago."

"Why do you want Kylo Ren to die, too? You've been working under him and Snoke for years. Now that you've got a bit of power, why would you want him gone?"

You struggled to put your thoughts to words. "Because, he... Because he killed me, first. Because he killed the little Onderonian girl and he didn't  _have_ to. I would have done anything for him. I would have followed him to the Dark side just because that's where he was going but he chose to destroy me, anyway." Your anger was coming off of you in waves of Force energy, but you couldn't stop it, now. "He threw me out like trash, but then he wouldn't let me stay gone! As soon as Snoke thought I was of use, they brought me back, brought me face to face with the monster who I used to love. Now that Snoke's gone I can finally get rid of that stupid smug face of his; the constant reminder of the happiness I lost!"

"You still love him." She said, quietly, turning away from you.

You shook your head. "No, General. I haven't felt that emotion since-"

"No, you haven't  _let_ yourself feel that emotion since you've been Shax, but it's there. Which means..." She smiled as she turned back. "All that time you spent on Korriban was wasted. There's still Light in you."

"Not very many go full Dark." You admitted. 

"But you, you're more a darkish grey than black. You've got potential. I trust that you're going to do the right thing, here, y/n. Don't make me wrong."

"I'm not- General."

She reached forward and took the cuffs off of you. "Nobody's ever too far gone. Even Vader turned when it was important enough. I'm not saying that you're going to turn and be a Jedi, y/n, but you can take those emotions and those things you've taught yourself and you can do good with them. Wasn't that your plan before you met my son? When Luke found you in Iziz, isn't that what you wanted? Isn't that why you went with him? Why your parents sent you away at such a young age?"

You rubbed your wrists as she set the cuffs aside by her console. "That was a very long time ago. I've done-"

"Do you know anything about Han Solo before he got dragged into my rebellion?" She sat on her stool again and smirked at you. "A smuggler, a gambler, a jerk and a cheat. He had a bounty on his head and he was only looking out for himself and Chewie. My point is, Han _was_ a pile of Tauntaun shit and he turned out to be one of the greatest men I've ever known and a hero of the Resistance. Hell, he was a lot of that _after_ the rebellion, too, but... The things you've done, who you were when you were standing with my son, none of that matters if you save lives and planets and end the First Order, now."

You sighed. "Well, when you put it that way..."

Leia chuckled. "I know you can't just turn off decades of Dark Side training like a switch. But if you're willing to do the right thing, then we're willing to help you figure it out, kid." You nodded. "Of course, if you're going to be on this base, we'll need to have someone watching you... and you will need to cut yourself off from the Force. Can't have Ben tracking you."

"I've been working on it. It's hard when-"

"You don't really want to. It's been a part of your life for so long."

"I'm willing to do so, I just need more time, General."

"That's fine. We'll get you a room and somewhere to meditate and I'll have Poe and Rey collaborate on your security." She pressed a button and the room filled with Resistance fighters. She leaned down and spoke quietly to a Bimm, who nodded and rushed away. "Take her. Follow him." Leia instructed Chewbacca. You nodded and followed the Wookiee and the Bimm.

~~~~~~~~~

Leia watched as Shax disappeared from view, before turning to Poe. "Oh, boy. You are in trouble, Commander."

"General?" He questioned, his eyebrows coming together in frustration.

"It's gonna take a lot more than that pretty face and your fly-boy charm to crack _that_ shell." Poe opened his mouth to argue that he wasn't interested in cracking anything with the Sith Lord, but Leia put her hand on his shoulder. "She is far more complicated than you think she is, Poe."

"Then she's probably-"

"Worth it." 

"Okay." He sighed. "But she's-"

"She's Onderonian, Poe, so she's good at building walls. You're a pilot. You can fly over 'em."

"She's Lord _Shax_. It doesn't matter how beautiful and engaging she is, she's off-limits."

"Off-limits? I didn't know you accepted anything as 'off-limits'."

"It would be an affront to the Resistance if I- She helped program stormtroopers. She tortured Finn. It'd be like trying to get in with Captain Phasma."

"No. She's not the same." Leia smiled at him. "You could be good for her and, hell, she might be good for you. She's definitely going to be good for this Resistance. So, I'm going to put you in charge of her. She'll stay in the dorm attached to yours and you, or someone you trust, will be with her whenever she leaves that room."

"Yes, General." 

"Dismissed, Commander." 

Poe walked away, rubbing at his face. "So, you're in charge of Shax, then?" Rey said, walking up.

"Yeah. Got demoted again. Flight Commander to Sith Lord babysitter."

Rey laughed. "I'm sure Leia has her reasons, Poe."

"Oh, I know her reasons."

"Oh, you think she heard that jealousy in your voice when she mentioned Hux?"

"Jealousy? That was, that was surprise, not-" 

"Okay." Rey said, walking away with a smirk on her face.

"Oh, I got a bad feeling about this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your bedroom was directly attached to Commander Dameron's, accessible only from a door in his room. It was meant to keep you accountable to the pilot, but it just made you feel trapped. He brought you food as the moons rose over the planet. You were watching from the window, which wouldn't open, when he walked in with a tray. "Thank you." You said, quietly, as he set the food down. 

"Bet you miss the freedom of the _Falcon_ , huh? Open space instead of being stuck here on land."

"I don't..." You turned to him. "I don't much care for open space, Commander. I prefer land. Desert is good. Jungle is better. Besides, your ship is infested with porgs."

"The General mentioned you were from Onderon. You spend a lot of time in the jungles?"

"Is this a humanizing technique? Trying to make me seem less evil?" You asked, picking up a piece of bread and munching on it.

"No, just thinking we should probably get to know each other, since we're going to be spending so much time together."

You looked down, then shrugged. "The only ones who spend time in the jungles are the Beast-riders and the idiots. I wasn't old enough to be either. I just... looked at the jungles from my windows." You picked up a piece of meat and tore a strip off. "But I left when I was very young, so... I don't remember much about Onderon. What about you? Where were you raised, Commander?"

"Yavin 4."

"Oh, a moon-child."

"Hey, don't say it like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're better than me, with your planetary birth."

"No, I'm better than you because I'm Sith, not because I was born on a planet."

"Yeah, but you aren't, though." Your eyes narrowed at him, so he shrugged. "I'm just sayin', Sith died out with the Emperor."

"Vader wasn't a true Sith, either, but he was regarded as one. Little slave boy from Tattoine turned Jedi, turned Sith Lord. The blood isn't as important as the teachings, and I'm the only one who follows them, now."

"Yeah, and what does your training say about betraying the largest source of Dark Side power in the galaxy?"

"It says he shouldn't have hurt me so much. Pain, anger, hate, they add to power. Kylo derives his power from anger and betrayal but _mine_..." You shook your head. "Maybe I should let it go, but it fuels me, gives me strength."

"Not enough to take him down alone." Poe pointed out. Anger flared up in you at his frank honesty and he could tell, something in the air shifting. "It's why you're here, right?"

"That doesn't mean you need to rub it in my face, Dameron." You growled. "I'm well-aware of my deficiencies."

"It's sad that you think you're deficient just 'cause you're less evil than Kylo Ren."

"Dark Side power isn't fueled by evil. It's fueled by pain, anger-"

"Blah, blah, blah." Poe interrupted, moving for the door. "Let me know if you need anything, Lord Pain-and-anger."

You stared after him as he disappeared from your room. No one except Snoke and Kylo had spoken to you with such flippancy. For someone _so_  much weaker than you to speak to you like you were... well, like you _weren't_  Lord Shax... that was jarring, and intriguing. You grabbed the tray and sat down on the small bed, food tray across your lap, staring out the window as you ate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You felt weak once you'd successfully blocked yourself off from the Force. It was hard to imagine that most people spent their entire lives like this, without a command of the energy of the universe. It was frustrating, to say the least, that you'd spent your entire life mastering the Force and now you were just... just like everyone else. "Once Kylo Ren is gone, you'll be able to, you know, use your crazy magic again." Poe said, sitting next to you in the mess hall. You were alone in a corner, drinking something that the mechanics called Gungan Piss (which had a surprising fruity after taste). Poe was the only one, other than Leia and Rey, who had spoken to you since your arrival on the Resistance base several weeks before. Finn had refused to do more than glare in your direction and Chewbacca was busy helping make repairs and upgrades to the base. Your interactions with Poe ranged from sarcastic and snippy, to mildly flirtatious, to completely furious.

"It's not magic." You muttered.

"Ah, you're just mad 'cause you've gotta live like us peasant people." He'd been drinking, too, you could smell it. It was a distinctly harsher liquor than the fruity one in front of you.

"I'm confused. The way you walk around here, I'd assume you were a king." You snapped.

"Nope. Just the best damn pilot in the rebellion, close personal friend to General Organa, and yeah pretty much a hero." He pulled out a flask and twisted the cap off. "Are you all snippy and sarcastic to keep people at a distance?"

"I don't know, Poe. Are _you_  sarcastic to draw folks in?" You responded, taking a drink.

"You know, sometimes I wonder what you were like as a padawan." Poe admitted, drinking his own liquor.

"Bright, happy, and full of promise, just like every other kid at that temple who was murdered or corrupted."

"Yeah, see, I don't get that. Kylo Ren kills your boyfriend and you join his army? Why?"

"Kylo Ren _was_  my boyfriend, Poe." You blurted out. You were barely able to recognize that you'd likely had too much to drink as you continued your confession. "Or, rather, Ben Solo was. Except Jedi aren't supposed to fall in love. It's the first line of the Code. ' ** _There is no emotion. There is peace._** ' So, we had to hide it. We had to lie. It was this one small dot of darkness on this happy, warm emotion, but it was enough for Snoke. He used it to grow the Dark Side in Ben, just as Sidious used love to breed anger in Darth Vader. When Ben brought down the Temple, I was scared of his Darkness, but I knew I could handle it if I was at Ben's side. Snoke had other plans." You took another drink, blinking away the tears that threatened the corners of your eyes. "Snoke made him renounce me, renounce our love, because the Darkness was already firm in Kylo Ren, but I needed to be broken before it could get a hold of me. He let me leave... He didn't make Kylo kill me like the other padawans because Snoke knew I could be strong and valuable to him."

You let your eyes flick to Poe's face, expecting pity or maybe disgust, but you just saw interest... curiosity. "It wasn't until I got to Korriban, reading the ancient Sith writings and learning from the datacrons, that it really hit me. Luke never taught me how to deal with that sort of heartbreak, because I was never supposed to feel that sort of heartbreak, so I went Dark because... Kylo Ren thought I was too weak for him. Ben was gone, it was my fault, and I'd never be good enough for Kylo, so..."

"It wasn't your fault." Poe responded. 

"You, obviously, don't understand. If we hadn't been-"

"Teenagers who fell in love? Come on. By the time I was a teen, I'd fallen in love a half a dozen times. Love is natural and beautiful. Any religion that encourages you to deny that feeling... well, that's the problem, right?"

You scoffed. "Poe Dameron with the drunken wisdom." You raised your glass to him. 

"It's one of the things I'm good for." 

"Sith is better. I mean, the Dark Side is Dark, but... the rules that the Jedi push..."

"Maybe Force-free is better. Maybe you don't need to be either of them."

You were sure that your expression was one of complete disbelief. "You must be kidding."

"Why not? Trillions of people across the galaxy survive just fine without it."

"But I'm not like trillions of people. I was special, part of a group so elite that most people think we're a myth. And now? Now, I can't even _use_ the gift I've had since I was 4 years old, fuckin' with gutkurrs in the jungle outside Iziz by throwing rocks at them from the other side of the wall. I'm supposed to be like this, like _you_ for the rest of my life?"

Poe stood, indignantly. "Yeah, well, us non-special folks don't get crazy people trying to break us, emotionally, so that our 'special gifts' will be stronger."

You felt guilty for talking down to him, which you'd later blame on your weakened state and the alcohol, so you reached out and grabbed his hand. "Poe..." The words ' _I'm a mean drunk_ ' disappeared from your mind as it short-circuited on the feeling of simple human skin contact. "I'm sorry." You whispered.

As his hand gave an almost-imperceptible squeeze of yours, you realized you hadn't spoken those words in literal decades. He smiled at you. "Don't sweat it, Shax. Don't move. I'm gonna get us some aftercare. No one wants to be sick in the morning." As your eyes followed him across the mess hall, you came to the conclusion that 'Shax' definitely didn't sound right from his mouth.

As he sat back down across from you with two stims, you sighed. "Y/n."

"What?" He looked up, catching your eyes.

"Before Korriban, I was y/n. You... you can call me that, if you want."

Poe smiled, brightly. "Well, that is a _lot_  better than Shax. Seriously, who came up with that?"

"I did! I meditated for _days_  on that name. Don't disrespect it!" You exclaimed, smirking.

"No, it's a totally Sith-y name, but it doesn't suit you."

"Oh, what do _you_  know?" You responded, playfully.

"I know that smile looks good on you." His voice dropped to a low register as he spoke the words and you could swear you were blushing, but it had to have been the alcohol warming your face, because Lord Shax doesn't blush.

_*But y/n used to.*_  You thought, which, in your drunken state, made you laugh.

Poe seemed a bit enamored with your uninhibited laughter but everyone else turned to stare, uncomfortably. "Mind your business. Let the woman laugh in peace. She needs this. Do you know how long it's been since she laughed without having to keep control of whoever she was torturing?" It was a tasteless joke, but it made you laugh harder.

"My god, Poe. Don't defend me to these people. They might turn on you." You warned, jokingly.

"Ah, if I can handle you, I can handle them." He whispered, leaning over and letting his lips brush across the shell of your ear.

You fought down a shiver, everything suddenly turning serious. You cleared your throat and stood. "I'm going back to my room." You said, swiping one of the stims off of the table as you rushed out of the mess.

He entered your room as you were setting the stim on the windowsill. "What happened? I thought we were having a good time."

"We were! You don't see anything wrong with that?" You asked, breathlessly as a mix of rage and fear hit you. He shrugged. "They think you're being corrupted. Your people, I can see it on their faces, they think I'm corrupting you."

"They're wrong. If anything-"

"It doesn't matter. You're their hero. If they don't trust you, the Resistance will fail!" Poe crossed the room as you ranted. "If the Resistance fails, we have _nothing_. We-"

Poe interrupted you by pushing his right hand into your hair and pulling you in for a kiss. There was a second of shock before you grabbed his shirt and pulled yourself closer to him. He didn't pull back from the kiss until you both needed to breathe. "You aren't corrupting me, sweetheart. Anyone knows me, knows I'm devoted to the cause." His eyes focused on your kiss-reddened lips as his hand slipped out of your hair and he ran a calloused thumb over your bottom lip. "If anyone's corrupting someone, it's me. Taking a perfectly superior, angry little Sith Lord and making her laugh."

The smile he gave as he swept his thumb down to caress your neck made you gasp. "If I keep making you happy, you won't have enough anger to fuel your darkness."

"Commander Dameron, are you trying to _save_ me?"

He chuckled, pulling away. "Not that you look delicate or anything, but yeah." He smirked. "Saving y/n from Lord Shax, that might be my most important mission, yet."

It was simultaneously the most ridiculous and hopeful thing you'd ever heard. Something about it touched you. Maybe it was because it wasn't someone saying " _Turn Jedi so we can use you and your power for the Resistance_ " and it wasn't " _Honor the Light that's still in you_ "; it was " _I know you have pain, but I want to help you feel happiness_ " and " _I know you aren't a damsel, but you_ _are in distress and I want to help_ ".

It was a good man throwing you a lifeline and expecting nothing in return.

You sighed, slightly, a bit baffled. "Well, Commander... I'd... like to be saved."

He leaned forward and placed a short kiss to your lips. "We'll talk in the morning when we're sober. Gotta make sure you really want that." He whispered, before heading toward the door.

"You aren't worried about your _own_  judgment being impaired?"

"Nah. My judgement hasn't wavered since we've been here. Drink some water." He instructed, leaving the room, but keeping the door open. You stared after him as you picked up a glass of water from a table next to your bed.


	3. Traitor

"Poe, where are we going?" You called out as he led you across a flat stretch of rock toward a building. BB-8 and BB-752 rolled along between you. 

"Hangar." He answered, succinctly, pointing at the building.

"Where are we going to go from there?" You rushed forward, trying to keep up with the taller man and the mechs.

"It's a surprise." He turned to face you and walked backward, smiling. "You can fly, right? I assume, 'cause you've got an astromech, but some folks like to keep 'em as pets so... Just to check. You a pilot?"

"Yes. TIE fighters and Command vessels, mostly, but yes, I can pilot light craft."

"Good. X-wing's not much different than a TIE fighter, so you should be good. You're probably gonna lose me. I don't fly slow. Your droid has the coordinates, so just go where he tells you."

You followed him into the hangar and watched as he climbed into an X-wing while your mech loaded itself into another. "Has this been cleared with the General? I mean, I think there might be some people who would be nervous about handing a starfighter to-"

"Leia knows. Get in the ship, y/n." He pulled his flight helmet on and BB-8 beeped at him. "Okay, buddy. We'll see her there." He winked at you as the cockpit closed and you rushed for the other X-wing as he took flight in his. 

You hadn't seen much of the planet while you were there, mostly staying in the little room attached to Poe's dorm, and as you flew over it, you couldn't help but marvel at it. The base was on a terrain of dusty rock and little vegetation but 5 minutes' flight away was a large lake with an oasis of trees and animals. The rock turned into a desert of yellow sand about 10 minutes out and for the next disorienting hour the scenery didn't change. You were very glad that Poe had given BB-752 the coordinates, because you would have gotten lost. Thankfully, your mech sent you where you needed to go to catch up with the Commander, who'd landed his X-wing next to a large crevice. You landed yours next to his and climbed down. "What are we doing out here?"

Poe smiled, gesturing around the desert. "Desert is good. Jungle is better." He said, pointing at the crevice. You stepped up to the edge and looked down, your jaw dropping. The crack in the desert held a lush jungle. "I found this scouting when we first got to the planet." 

"Can we go down there?" You asked, excited.

"We'll have to climb down. The canopy's too dense to land the X-wings." He pointed to a set of cables dug in and hanging into the crevice.

"I am okay with that." You turned to the droid and bent down. "We're gonna go explore this little jungle. If we call, you and BB-8 pull us up, okay?" 752 beeped happily at you. "Yeah, yeah. I don't wanna hear it." You teased back, a smile on your lips as you grabbed the nearest cable and began to slide down into the jungle. Poe laughed and followed you on the second cable. 

The crevice had its own environment, slight rain falling from the canopy even though there was no water present on the top side of it. You looked around in awe as your feet touched down on the bottom of the crack. Poe dropped down next to you and smiled as you moved a giant fern out of your face and gasped at the brilliant red flowers hiding on the other side. "Be careful. Don't know what's lurking, where." He warned, softly.

You just smiled and pushed through the green foliage. "I think, if Luke never found me, I probably would've been a beast-rider. Can you imagine, having the run of the jungle? That's freedom. No one watching you, or telling you what to do. True freedom, like the Code said I'd have. No rules but what I make. The monsters doing what I say, because I tamed them."

"Don't most beast-riders end up trampled and eaten?"

"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen one since I was 10 years old."

"That young, huh?" 

You turned to him, grasping a hanging vine. "Luke found me when I was 6. He wasn't sure if he was going to set up the new Jedi training academy, so he... just explained that I was special and told my folks that he might come back for me. My parents were terrified, of course." You turned and started pushing your way through the jungle again. "They were a mechanic and a maid, you know? They weren't scholars. But they knew about the Force. They knew about the wars and the rules... they were worried about my being that close to 'em. But I... I wanted to go. I was sure that I was going to be... a Jedi Master, help save those in need. He came back when I was 10, said he'd set up a temple and he needed me there. My parents didn't have very long to say 'goodbye', so they gave me one of the astromechs Dad was working on and... and they wished me luck." 

"So, you went to Luke's Jedi temple and you met Kylo Ren?"

"No, I met Ben." You responded. For some reason, it didn't bug you to talk about it, now. Not with Poe. "It was, you know 7 years of Ben and then, only then did he become Kylo."

"You were together for 7 years?"

You laughed. "No, of course not! I was... _focused_ when I first got to the temple. I wanted to save the galaxy. I wasn't gonna let some gangly, big-nosed boy distract me from my destiny. It wasn't until I was 13 and he was 15 that we, you know, saw each other as something other than just another padawan at the temple." An insect flew past your head and you watched it disappear into the green. "We tried to follow our training, we really did. I meditated for two days after the first time. Ben volunteered for an outing that took him away from the temple with three other padawans for two _weeks_ , and that was just the first time we touched hands. The first time we kissed, we ran away from each other, ashamed, and I thought I'd never see him again. But then, he asked me to meet with him and we kissed again. Like you said, two teenagers in love shouldn't have been such a big deal, but it was. We would've been punished, so we kept it to ourselves. Knowing what I do now, I'm surprised Master Kenobi didn't show up in Force spirit and vociferate about Ben making the same mistake Vader did."

"How did you hide that from Luke?"

"There were eleven other padawans who needed his attention. Ben and I, we were... the strongest and the most dedicated, respectively. While he was training with the other students, Ben and I would sneak away together."

"But Jedi can do the mind-manipulation stuff, right?"

"Yeah, but digging into someone's head and pulling out the truth, that's a Dark Side thing, mostly. Besides, we were really good at hiding it when we were around Master Luke. Never touched, never gave lingering looks."

"So, you had to sneak away, just to... look at each other?"

"We did more than that." You smirked, chuckling slightly. "But sometimes, yeah... sometimes we just took in the aspects of each other that we couldn't see on the daily." You pushed your way through a curtain of vines and stopped. There was a large catlike creature on the other side, drinking from a large pool of water. "Wow. So beautiful."

"Yeah. Definitely." He moved to stand in front of you. "I can totally see why he would sneak you away to have you all to himself."

"Well, that's what _you've_ done, isn't it, Commander?" You looked up into his chocolate eyes and took a deep breath. "We haven't spoken about-"

"You followed me out here, sober as a judge, so I figure you're still interested in my help." He pushed two fingers into your shoulder, his eyes never leaving yours as he pushed you backward softly until your back hit the wall of the crevice. 

"And you brought me out here to seduce me with jungle cats? Or because you were afraid your people might see us?" 

"My people will come around, sweetheart. Look at Finn. They love him and he used to be a stormtrooper."

"Who went out on one mission before changing his mind and breaking their best pilot out of the interrogation. I'm different." 

"Yeah. You are." He responded, softly. "You are wonderfully different. Gorgeous, intelligent, amazing." He leaned his head down and pressed his lips softly to yours. He pulled back and looked down at you. "I have been captivated by you since you first walked onto the _Millennium Falcon_. It won't take them long to catch up."

"Poe... I..." You swallowed. "I don't-" You shook your head. "I haven't-"

"I know. You don't know how to let someone in. Between Ben going Dark and your weird thing with Hux-"

"It wasn't weird." You rebutted. 

"Well, your BB unit says it was weird." He smirked down at you, stepping closer to you and putting a hand on either side of your head, boxing you in. "Said you didn't even _like_  Hux."

"Nobody likes Hux." You whispered. "But he was good at..." You lost your train of thought as Poe's lips skidded across the skin of your neck. Your eyes fluttered closed as he let his hands roam across your body to rest on your hips. 

"You didn't like him. You didn't want him. You sure you want me?" He asked, his lips against your skin muffling his words, slightly.

"I... Commander, I... yes." As he started to push your shirt up, you were struck by the difference between this encounter and the last (and really, _every_ ) time you were with Hux. The last time you were with a man who you didn't have to order around... You shook off thoughts of Ben as Poe started started to untie your pants. "Poe."

"Don't worry. I'm not gonna do _much_  out here in this jungle. Just figured... first time I touch you, we might not want to have any witnesses." 

"Because you're ashamed of wanting me." You accused, as he pulled your thin linen pants down to pool at your boots. 

He shook his head and kissed your knee. "I'm not ashamed of wanting you." He kissed the top of your thigh, before moving his mouth to the inside of your thigh. "I just want you to myself for a while. Sneaked you away so I could have you all to myself." His fingers hooked in your underwear and pulled them down to lay on the pile of fabric that was your pants. Your breath caught as he nibbled at the inside of your thigh, leaving a trail of bite marks toward your core. "I'm not the only one who's noticed you on that base, you know. I'm just the only one who's not afraid of you."

"Shouldn't you be?" You asked, trying not to sound like you were holding your breath in anticipation.

"No. No, see, I am excited to finally see you relaxed." He grabbed your leg and hooked it over his shoulder and that was the only warning before he dived in-between your legs, tongue-first. Your eyes went wide as you tried to control your breathing. His pace was erratic, ever-changing like it was meant to keep you on edge, which is exactly where you were when his finger started to probe your entrance. His mouth stalled its abberant assault, his lips wrapping around your clit as his finger slid into you. 

You gasped, but you weren't even done marveling at that fact before he'd added a second finger and was pumping and curling them inside of you, his tongue flicking across your clit. And then, for the first time in decades, you moaned with pleasure. "Poe!" One of your hands went to his hair and the other grasped at the vine-covered wall behind you. Every muscle in your lower body was tightening as he continued his onslaught and every time you exhaled, a moan pulled from the back of your throat, filling the little jungle with breathy little pleased sounds. "Poe, I'm so... so close. Please." His teeth scraped, gently, across your bundle of nerves just as his fingers curled into the rough patch inside of you and you were sent spiraling. Your eyes squeezed shut and your fingers yanked at his hair as you came down from the best orgasm you could remember having. 

He stood, gently removing your hand from his hair as he licked at his fingers with a smirk on his lips. "Wow, you are loud. For a controlled Sith Lord, you make a lot of noise when you cum."

You bit your lip as you tried to catch your breath. "Oh, my-"

"See, aren't you glad I brought you all the way out here?" He leaned down and pulled your underwear and pants up. "Wouldn't want to sully your reputation with those loud and needful noises." 

You chuckled at that. "Yes, we wouldn't want to ruin the reputation of the Sith Lord that everyone on base is terrified of."

"Yeah, well... they'll come around." He whispered, leaning down to capture your lips again. The taste and smell of you on his tongue made you moan into his mouth. "You make such pretty noises." He pulled away and grabbed your hand, pulling you along toward the cables. 

"Poe." You stopped him, pulling weakly on his hand. "Don't you want something in return?"

He turned to you, his eyebrow raised. "Have you already forgotten the point of this? If it don't make you happy, y/n, then I want nothin'."

You smiled up at him. "Thank you." He chuckled as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder and started to guide you back toward the cables again. "What are you laughing about?"

"You just said 'Thank you'. A couple minutes ago you were sayin' 'Please'. It didn't take me very long to teach you some manners." 

You couldn't really argue with him. It was true, whether he found it humorous or not. You hadn't needed the phrases 'Thank you', 'I'm sorry', or 'Please' much over the last couple dozen years and you'd used all of them over the last two days. 

When you landed the x-wings next to each other in the hangar, General Organa was waiting for you. "Do you know how much panic I have had to deal with over the last few hours, Poe? 'Lord Shax stole an x-wing!' I had to pretend like I was in on this so the others wouldn't freak out."

You turned to the commander as your mechs dropped out of the planes. "'Leia knows', huh?" 

Poe shrugged. "Would you have gone with me if I hadn't lied?"

"No, of course not. I'm _trying_ not to-"

"You needed to come." He chuckled at his private dirty joke as he turned away from you to address Leia. "And I tried to find you this morning, but you were in meetings with the Admirals. Left a note on your desk."

"I didn't get it. I wasn't done with my meeting before people were trying to bust down the door." Leia sighed, stepping out of the hangar. "It's fine. Don't do it again."

"So, the meeting- how'd that go?" Poe asked, grabbing your hand and following.

"We've been having trouble with supplies. With all of Hux's spies that have infiltrated the cities we used to get our supplies from, it's getting difficult. We have a contact in Canto Bight, but they've ramped up their security since Finn and Rose were there, so we can't get anyone there."

You stopped in your tracks. "Canto Bight?"

"Yeah. Rose and Finn messed the place up real bad, but there's a lot of money in that city, so they've repaired and upgraded." Leia said, slightly upset.

"I've been there."

"So have I. Back when I was still a princess."

"You _are_ still a princess." Poe responded, softly.

"No, I mean, they know me. They... they know Lord Shax. I could go." You volunteered.

"No." Poe's voice was resolute, like you wouldn't keep speaking just because he'd denied you.

"Why not?" You asked, pulling your hand away from his. "I can help. I'd just need to go back to Abednedo, get my ship and go to Cantonica. They won't question me being there." 

"If you put on your black robes and grab your red laser sword, you don't think that's going to affect you?" 

"Poe, I'm fine."

"You're not! You _just_ started to open up to me and now you think it's a good idea to go be Lord Shax, again?"

You sighed and shook your head. "I'm here to help, Dameron; help bring down the First Order and Kylo Ren so that we can all-"

"You can't even activate a lightsaber right now! How are you going to pull this off alone?"

"All she needs to do is dress up as herself and go to Canto Bight, meet with our contact. I don't see why she'd need the Force for that, Poe." The general interjected. "Are you sure about this, y/n?"

"Yeah." You nodded. "I can do this." 

"No doubts. I'll have Chewie drop you on Abednedo. Stop by on your way out and I'll give you the information you need for your meeting." Leia disappeared into her office and you rushed toward your room.

Poe pushed the door closed as you were packing stims and clothes into a small bag. "You have to let me-"

"They'd recognize you a mile away. No, it has to be me... me and BB-752. No one else."

"What if you-"

You turned to him and took a deep breath. "I know I'm just starting out with this whole 'seeking salvation' thing, but... I was way further in the dark when I decided to come here. I'm not going to change my mind just because I put on my old clothes and have people treating me like a Sith Lord again. I will be y/n and I will come back."

"You came here because you wanted to kill Kylo Ren, not because you wanted to do the right thing."

"Killing him is the right thing!"

"No, you wanted revenge on your ex for putting his master in front of-"

"Poe, let me do this!" You exclaimed, throwing your bag at your feet. "I gave all of the information I had, I don't have access to the Force, I'm sitting here every day feeling useless and wishing I could do more to hasten the end of... I have an opportunity to help here. Let me do this."

"What if you remember how much you like being-"

"I never liked it." You responded, sharply. "I hated being Shax. I _hated_ her. She was a result of _hate_. Hate that I don't... have pulling at me, anymore. I'm not going to just... I'm doing this. I'll go, I'll get in contact with our supplier, and then I'll come back. Okay? No worries." 

Poe bent down and picked up your bag. "I've spent almost a month waiting for you to let go and... I'm worried, y/n. I'm worried that anger and hate will creep back once you're surrounded by those terrible people."

You took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of your nose. "You're pissing me off, Poe."

"Well, that was easy. Prove my point." He said, tossing your bag at the bed. "I'm not so arrogant that I think-"

You grabbed his shirt and pulled him to you, wrapping your arms around him and resting your head on his chest. "I know, okay. I know, but... the decision I made yesterday, that's not going away. I _decided_ to let you help me. Now, let me help _you_ , help the resistance. Please." 

"There's that word again." He said, softly, squeezing you gently. He pulled back, slightly, and leaned his head down, forehead resting against yours. "I've got a bad feeling about this, y/n."

"I'll have 752 with me. I'll be in contact the whole time, okay?"

"I know, and your droid will help you stay on the right track."

"Yeah. He's always hated Lord Shax, too." You said, quietly. You moved your head to capture his lips and slid your hands up to his hair, lacing your fingers through the brown locks. You groaned into his mouth and pulled away from him as his hands came down and harshly grabbed your ass. 

"Come here." He maneuvered you to the bed and pushed you onto your back. "Before you leave, I want to make you mine. Is that... that sounded better in my head."

"You want to claim me?" You asked, amused.

 "Don't say it like that. It sounds so archaic when you say it like that." He climbed on top of you and kissed your forehead. "I just know that, you might see some folks you know, might have to talk to Hux and..."

"And you want me to remember that I'm yours."

"I'm gonna stop talkin', now, 'cause you keep making it sound worse than it is." 

" _I_  do?" You smirked as he pulled your pants and underwear down your legs, you helping to kick them off. 

"Oh, shut up. We don't have a lot of time. Don't need the Wookie kicking my door down when he comes to look for you." He pulled the zipper of his pants down as you pulled at his belt.

"I'm sure you didn't want it to be like-" You whispered as he pushed his pants down his legs and let them bunch at his knees. Reaching forward to grab his barely-hard cock, you let it warm your palm as you pulled him down for another kiss. As your tongue moved along the inside of his mouth, you felt the bit of flesh in your right hand get bigger and harder until it was pulsing with need and instinct pushed you to run your hand up and down the length of it.

He groaned and pulled away, tearing down your body and positioning himself between your legs. "Gotta get my tongue in you." He muttered before doing just that. 

The assault of his tongue was voracious but fleeting, as he quickly climbed back up your body and pulled your legs up to hook behind his back as he lined his cock up with your entrance. As he pushed the head in, just barely, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Your lips locked together muffled some of the moans you let out as he pushed in further, slowly, like he was trying to appreciate every inch of your pussy. When he was finally seated with his hips flush against yours, your eyes met and held as he began to move within you. His hips rolled at a languid pace as he kept his breathing controlled. Meanwhile, every movement pulled a moan from you, breathy and blissful. Your eyes only left his when he buried his face in your neck, picking up his speed and pounding into you harder as his fingers dug into your hip. Your moans were loud and part of your mind was worried about people hearing you in such an indecent manner, but as the muscles in your lower abdomen tightened up in anticipation of an orgasm, that part of you was relegated to the lowest and most remote place in your mind. 

"Fuck, y/n." He grunted into your skin, breaking through your moans. "You feel so... Oh, fuck. I can't..."

"Poe... please." You whined, and if it were a month ago you would have cringed at the sound of it coming out of your mouth. A whiny, needy little moan accompanied the words and you knew you were close, just as close as Poe, based on his erratic movements and heavy breathing. 

"Got you, y/n. Help you. Save you. Fuck. Almost..." He rambled.

Your legs tightened around his waist as your orgasm left you breathless, not moaning for the first time since he entered you. He stilled, his body going rigid. "Whoa." You whispered when you finally caught your breath.

"Yeah." He pulled back and wiped his hand across his sweat-drenched forehead. "Best quickie I've ever had."

"And I'm sure a charming individual like you has had plenty of them."

"Aw, you think I'm charming." He smiled down at you until he slid out of you and flopped down next to you on the little bed. He pulled his pants up and zipped them as you sat up. "You better stay safe and stay you."

"You are very concerned with my personality considering you don't really know me, Commander."

"True enough. But neither do you." He pushed his arm behind his head to prop himself up to watch you redress. "Next time we do this, we gotta take our time. Haven't even seen you completely nude, yet, and I feel like that's something I need to see."

"When I get back." A roar outside the dorm door made you close your eyes and shake your head. "I'm coming, Chewie. Hold your falthiers." A questioning roar followed. "None of your damn business, you nosy piece of druk."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but your insults are less than cutting since you've been here." Poe joked as you pulled your bag out from under him. 

"Then, I'll be sure not to insult anyone on Cantonica, just glower and threaten them." You shot back, leaning over the bed to kiss him. 

"Don't forget your mech." He reminded as you rushed out with the bag on your back.

Chewbacca and BB-752 were waiting outside the door to Poe's dorm, beeping and making warbling growls at you as you left. "Let's just go. I don't need the commentary." Your mech beeped at you. "Right. The General's office first, then we can-" The wookiee interrupted. "Seriously? I didn't leave you waiting _that_ long, and I don't need your opinions on why I'm running late." Excited beeping met your ears as you rushed for Leia's office. "It's not your place to say that, BB-752... but yeah. I think so."

"Oh, y/n. I've got a datapad here for you." Leia smiled as she handed it across her desk to you. 

"Sorry about the wait, General Organa. Poe wasn't very happy about the plan."

"But you convinced him, I see." You nodded. "Good. Don't let a man hold you back just because he thinks he is helping." She pointed at the datapad. "Trask Berilon. He's a smuggler and arms dealer, but he's not gonna burn us. He owed a lifedebt to my father."

"Another wookiee? With a name like that?"

"Trask was born into slavery. His old master picked his name. He's a good person, just a bit obsessed with money, since he never had any when he was a child."

"Okay. I won't let you down, ma'am." You nodded at her and left.

**********†

You memorized the datapad and left it on the  _Falcon_ when Chewie dropped you off at your ship, the small armored transport you'd named for your great grandmother. You slipped your old robes on, attaching your all-but-useless lightsaber to the belt and you stared at yourself in the mirror. Your mech beeped to remind you of your hair, which hadn't been in a bun since your first shower at the Rebel base. You twisted your hair up and sighed. You looked exactly like Lord Shax. "Here goes nothin'. General, Commander, I know you're listening... don't... don't... don't listen too hard, okay?" 

You walked into the casino, BB-752 rolling behind you. People gasped and ran out of your way and you had to fight the cringe it caused. "Lord Shax! What a-a surprise! We weren't  _expecting_ you!" A Twi'lek concierge rushed forward and bowed a bit.

"Am I expected to call ahead?" Your voice was cold and your eyes narrowed, but you were already wanting to crawl out of your skin. "With as much money as the First Order has poured into this dump, I would _expect_ better treatment."

"No! No, of course, you're right! Let me grab a room for you, Lord Shax. Just, uh, just one minute."

"You have thirty seconds." You snapped. The Twi'lek was back in 45 seconds, but you didn't mention it as he led you down a hallway to a suite. He handed you the room key and rushed away.

"Well, well. It's been ages, Shax." The voice hit you as soon as you opened the suite door and you were Force-pulled, easily, into the room. BB-752 rolled in, beeping angrily but you just signaled it to cease its noise.

"Supreme Leader. I didn't know you were going to be here." You cast your eyes down, away from his. He wouldn't see hatred there, he'd only see fear, and that was a problem.

"Oh, I wasn't planning to be. It's a bit opulent for my tastes. Seems like the kind of place my mother would have liked. But... we've heard there was a Resistance sympathizer here, meeting with Rebels and supplying them. I felt a First Order presence might help put an end to that... then I decided to come here, myself, and try to find the traitor." You were suddenly pulled to kneel in front of him, your head pulled forcefully backward so that you were staring up into his face. "And who do they bring me? My apprentice, for whom I've been searching for weeks. I knew you were soft, Shax, but I didn't think you were a traitor." 

You swallowed as you looked up into his smug face. You could lie or tell the truth. Either way, you were likely about to be tortured to death. BB-752 whirred quietly and you carefully thought through your options, knowing that whatever happened, Poe and Leia were listening. You sneered at him. "I've been a traitor for years. Since the night I failed to challenge you at your uncle's temple. Surrounded by the bodies of the only friends I'd ever known and I didn't fight their murderer? I was a traitor that night and every dark day after it... but I am _finally_ -" Pressure closed in on your throat as Kylo raised his hand in a gesture you knew well. He didn't say a word as your vision tunneled into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got, at least, one more chapter on this.


	4. Welcome back

"You cut yourself off from the Force so that I wouldn't be able to find you. I bet that feels like a very stupid idea, now." Kylo's voice cut through your mind as you started to wake, giving you not a second of ignorance of your situation. Your eyes fluttered open to see yourself in exactly the place you expected: half-naked, bound to a table in an interrogation room on a First Order battleship, the Supreme Leader standing menacingly several meters away.

"I could never match you for pure strength of the Force, Kylo. It's why I never tried."

"That's why you went to Rey. You think she  _can_ beat me. Her raw strength with your dedication."

"My training and foreknowledge of  _your_ training, my knowledge of your fighting style... Rey could end you, if she'd just let go of saving you."

"And that's why the Jedi will always fail!"

"No. She'll come around."

"'Come around'? To what? Your views of anger and hate?"

"No. To the greater good."

Kylo's eyes narrowed at you. "Where  _is_ your hate?" He reached a hand out and closed his eyes as he searched your mind. You tried to keep him from the knowledge he was seeking, but it was futile. He was always much better at getting into your head than you were at keeping him out. "The pilot?" He recoiled, disgust (and anger?) distorting his face. "From Jakku? You know, I've been in his mind. I've seen how he thinks about women."

You closed your eyes as he leaned over you. "You're just another conquest to him. I guarantee you, he's telling some starfighter mechanic all about how he made a Sith Lord moan like a whore."

You shook your head. He was just trying to hurt you. "Who cares if Poe brags? What does it matter? You're about to kill me."

"Because, you stupid nerf, you belong to me!" Your eyes snapped open at that. "I tolerated your time with Hux because Snoke wouldn't let me have you back and you hate Hux as much as I do, but this? This, with the pilot, you want to be  _happy_ with him and that is inexcusable!"

"You didn't want me back! You can't expect me to believe-"

"Of  _course_ I wanted you back! You were  _everything_ I wanted and you were right there in front of me and I wasn't allowed to have you!"

"Whose fault is that?!" You spat back. "Who invited Snoke in? Who let him take over every aspect of our lives and the way we dealt with each other?"

"You took his offer, just as I did." Kylo reasoned, grabbing your chin with his gloved right hand and forcing you to look at his face.

"No, see my offer was different. Your offer was 'Join me and gain unimaginable power through the Dark Side of the Force'. Mine was 'Join me or die'. 'Join or I make the man who broke your heart destroy you entirely.' I could've said 'no', but then, I'd be dead."

"You're right. It was unfair." He nodded, biting at his lip. "Everything Snoke did to us was unfair. But you didn't leave when Snoke was in charge. You didn't turn traitor until you were betraying me." 

"Snoke would've seen a double-cross coming parsecs away. You couldn't. Your control has always been lacking."

He stared into your eyes for a minute before letting your chin go and stepping away. "Of course, that means I'll have to make an example out of you.  I can't anticipate betrayal like Snoke would have, so I'll have to make sure everyone knows the consequences if they turn on me." He pulled his gloves off. "Normally, I'd just do this with the Force, but for you, y/n, I'm willing to get my hands bloody." As he examined knives and tools of torture on a worktable next to you, he stiffened. "Go away."

"Gladly." You responded, but you knew he was talking to Rey.

"I'm busy." He growled and turned toward the wall. "Tell Poe that she's mine. He had no right to try- Are you so certain of that? Pain turned her last time." His fist clenched. "Well, if physical pain doesn't work the same, then she'll make a fine slave. She already knows what I like." His fist impacted the wall, making you flinch. "She's a traitor! To the First Order, to the Dark Side, to me! She will be treated- This isn't  _about_ our past. It's about the future, and her place in it. With me! Well, I'll be waiting for him."

He turned to you, grabbing a knife from the little worktable. "Rey seems to think your pilot is going to come for you. Will you be in pieces when he does?"

"He won't come."

"Oh? I thought he wanted to save you?" He taunted, bringing the knife up to your cheek, centimeters away from your eye.

"From myself, not from you." You took a steady breath, careful not to move. "Your mother won't let him come for me. It'd be a suicide mission."

"He's been on those before."

"Not like this. He wouldn't even make it aboard. He's the best pilot the Resistance has. The General wouldn't allow him to come."

"Then, it's just you and me, again. Finally." He dug the knife into your cheek and you stopped yourself from screaming. He'd do worse before the session was complete and you weren't about to start out giving him what he wants. "You know, I have wanted to make you scream again since you started fucking Hux. You did it to get to me, didn't you?" He pulled the knife away from your face and sliced it across your clavicle. "I used to listen to your encounters. I could tell he wasn't satisfying you, but you continued to call him back to you. Why, if not to taunt me?" 

You glared up at him, but didn't answer. The back of his hand sliced across your face and you gasped. "There's that sound, the one Hux was only able to get out of you once. He should've tried pain. You're  _much_ more receptive to pain."

"Were you listening every time, you snake?" You were filled with disgust at the thought. You knew he knew, but you hadn't thought he was  _listening_.

"Every time." He whispered, pushing the knife into the soft tissue above your hip. You screamed... and he bristled with excitement. "I'm going to enjoy making you an example, y/n. I have always loved the little noises you make." You screamed as the knuckles of his left hand impacted your right eye socket. "You're going to wish you never left."

***********†

"You know, I have always felt that love is a useful emotion that, when used in conjunction with good training and control, can be a powerful antagonist to the Dark Side." A familiar voice made you open your eyes as far as you could with the swelling, revealing a blurry blue spirit. "Which is why I never confronted you and Ben about it."

"Master Luke?" Your voice was hoarse from screaming and your throat was on fire.

"Hindsight being perfect, I should have told you that I knew so that you wouldn't have felt like you needed to hide it." You coughed and tried to open your eyes further. "I like that Poe, though. Reminds me of Han if he hadn't been a scoundrel. Can see why my sister likes him so much."

"H-how am I... seeing you?"

"You're all plugged in again, Kid. Takes a lot of meditation to cut yourself off but just one clear desire to come back. Welcome back to the Light."

"Wha-"

"You can't feel it? The change in you?"

"I feel pain... all over me."

"But  _inside_ , where Lord Shax used to belong, do you feel her? Do you feel your hate? Or do you feel serenity underneath that pain?"

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. The pain seemed omnipresent, but you reached out and pushed past it to find calm. Not anger at Kylo Ren for hurting you or hatred for all of his actions against you, just calm like you never felt even as a padawan. "How?"

"Did you ever wonder why you couldn't get the kind of power Ben has, no matter how much you studied or how hard you worked? It's not his blood, his ancestry, like he thinks. It's conflict. You were always so conflicted, y/n. Conflicted over being away from your parents, conflicted over your reasons for becoming a Jedi, conflicted over Ben, and even when you went to the Dark Side, you were conflicted because you still had love for him. You're not conflicted, anymore. There's resolve in you, now, and with it, calm and serenity."

"Well, then, maybe when he kills me, I'll go to the Force." You opened your eyes to look at the blue blur again. 

"You're gonna let that guy kill you?"

"I don't have much of a choice, do I? No one's coming for me. Even if they tried, they'd never make it onto the ship."

"But you already  _have_ an ally here. You know, tall, skinny, hair like an overripe hubba gourd, drools like a blarth when he sees you..."

"Hux?"

"That's the one. He'll be coming to you soon."

"Why? Why would he help me?"

"He's not planning to... yet. You will have to work on him. But you won't have a problem twisting him." The blue blur got closer and you blinked a couple times to clear your vision. He was significantly older than he'd looked on Crait, his beard long and grey. "Do you remember how to do Force Healing?" You nodded, slightly. "Good. Heal your internal injuries. That punctured lung, especially. The superficial damage will only help your case with Hux, but you'll probably need to be able to breathe if you want to escape."

"Master Luke?"

"Yes, y/n?"

"Thank you. I never thought-"

"Don't thank me, Kid. It was Leia who saw you still had Jedi potential."

"I'll thank her if I make it back to Colstev."

"You will. Never doubt the power of the Force." He smiled as he disappeared, and you closed your eyes to begin the meditation needed for Force Healing.

You could feel Hux coming before the door opened. You didn't open your eyes until you knew the door behind him had closed. Your vision was clear when you opened your puffy eyelids to look at the redhead. "I heard you were here." He took a cautious step forward. "Leader Ren says you've been working with the Rebels."

"Of course, I have." You responded, softly, inflecting as much pain as possible into your voice. "I told you, Armitage. I am not strong enough to take down the Supreme Leader by myself. I had to... I had to go to the Jedi from Jakku. The girl is my only hope to put an end to Kylo Ren."

"Where is the Resistance base? Where can I find them? Bomb them to the ends of the universe?" He asked, stepping closer.

"I can't tell you that."

"Then you  _have_ become-"

"I  _need_ the girl." You interrupted. "Armitage, you've known me for years. You believe  _Kylo Ren_  over me? You really think I would turn my back on the First Order? I've done what I needed to do to gain the trust of the Rebel scum, and I can't tell you where they are until Rey has helped me attain my goals." 

Hux reached forward, tracing his gloved thumb across your burst lip. You could see him searching your eyes for your deception. "I want to believe you, but... why would Leader Ren do this if you weren't a traitor?"

"Think it through. I couldn't tell  _him_ why I went to them, now, could I? I had to let him believe I was a traitor... and really, I am, aren't I? Only to him, though, not the Order... not you."

He pulled his hand back. "You're manipulating me. You've never been like  _this_  with me."

You sighed. "Perhaps, it's the torture I've endured. Maybe, it's the lonely months I've been away, but if my options are 'stay the Ice Queen you expect of me and die', or 'show a bit of inner warmth and survive'? I'll show a side of me you've not seen." He let out an almost-imperceptible gasp. "It's been difficult for me. You know that, don't you? I can't let myself show weakness. Never have. Especially around him."

"The safety of your quarters would have been a perfect place to-"

"There is no safety. He was listening." 

"He was." It wasn't a question, but a confirmation, like you'd validated his suspicions. 

"If I'm left here, Armitage, he will kill me... or he will torture me until I am broken and enslave me."

He searched your eyes for a moment before leaning forward. "Part of me thinks you should be taken down several pegs, but... not by him." He pressed his lips to your forehead and ran his hands down your arms. "If I release you, it might come down on me."

"I know. I know you'd be risking a lot for me to just... leave you here, but-"

"He'd kill me if he knew I let you leave, Shax." 

"Then, don't let him know. When you leave, send in several guards. I'll overpower them and escape. It won't be your fault, then, it will be theirs."

"My guards, my fault."

"Only indirectly." You whispered.

"When you leave, I won't see you again, will I?" He asked, moving his hands to your shoulder to rest beside the wounds there.

"No. Not until Rey and I kill Kylo Ren."

"Then I will take advantage of your restraints to do what I've been wanting to do since the first time you stepped in front of me." He pressed his lips to yours, careful of the split in your lip and kissed you, for the first time. He was surprisingly gentle about it and you were left shocked breathless as he pulled away, looking superior as he pressed the button on the side of the table which released you. "Remember how I took your breath away, Master Shax. Just this once, I left you breathless." He smirked as he walked out.

Twenty minutes later, you were standing over two stormtroopers, putting on the armor of the unconscious one to cover your skin. "The astromech robot I had with me on Cantonica, did it make it onto the ship?"

"Eat druk, traitor scum."

You waved your fingers across his face and adopted a slightly off tone. "You will tell me if an astromech with the designation BB-752 was brought onto  _Finalizer_."

"I  _will_ tell you if an astromech with the designation BB-752 was brought onto  _Finalizer_. Leader Ren had it. It wouldn't tell him where the rebel base was, so he took his laser sword to it. It was sent to the droid shop to salvage anything useful from it."

You sighed. At least it wasn't left behind in Canto Bight. "You will go to the hangar and ready Leader Ren's command vessel."

"I will go to the hangar and ready Leader Ren's command vessel."

"He has a long trip ahead, so his transport needs to be completely fueled and stocked with food."

"He has a long trip ahead, so his transport needs to be completely fueled and stocked with food."

"Leader Ren, himself, requested you do this. It's a great honor that he noticed you."

"Supreme Leader Ren asked me to do this for him. It's an honor he noticed me." The stormtrooper said, before slowly walking out of the room. 

You sneaked down the hallway outside the droid shop after grabbing BB-752 from a junk pile. "You think I'm going to let you leave,  _again_ , y/n?"

You turned to Kylo, who was standing by the elevator at the other end of the hall. "You think I'm going to allow you to stop me, Ren?"

"Suddenly, you're so- You've reconnected to the Force." He said, suddenly.

"Yes." You responded, nodding. 

"And you're... a Jedi again?"

"Never really  _was_  before, was I? Always too conflicted. But now... resolute. Without doubt, I know what I need to do."

"And what, exactly, is it that you  _need_  to do?"

"I need to save you, or take you down."

"Then, why are you running?"

You chuckled, setting your astromech down at your feet. "I'm injured, Kylo. You hurt me. I'm not in any shape for a lightsaber battle."

"You're lying. You healed. Your face might be bloody, but you aren't in pain."

"The risk outweighs the possible reward." You gestured around you. "We're on your turf. Surrounded by your people. I am alone. I cannot win."

"I won't let you leave. You belong-"

"I don't belong to you. You tossed me out like garbage."

"Snoke  _made_  me!" Kylo stomped forward several feet, but you didn't move. "He saw that the only way you'd reach your potential was if I-if I broke you. I didn't want to do it, but I wanted you to be-"

"Listen to yourself! You did not want me, Ben, or you would have done something, said something... you would have showed me,  _somehow,_ that you loved me. We risked everything to be together at the Temple and if you still loved me, you would have-"

"I couldn't! I wanted you. I-"

"You hurt me! Physically, mentally, you hurt me, and you think I'm gonna belong to you?"

"You already do! From the first time I made you scream-"

"You made me scream several hours ago, but that's a much different-"

"y/n, don't argue with me."

"You're not my master, anymore." You answered, causing his lip to curl in anger. "And you're not my boyfriend."

"I'll show you-"

"And you're looking in the wrong place." You said, as you picked up BB-752 and walked out of the beam of the holoprojector. You could hear his anguished yell from halfway across the battleship, as you dropped the astromech into navigator seat of Kylo's command vessel and peeled out of the hangar.

~~~~

You dropped the command vessel on one of the many moons of Iego and you almost cried when the  _Millennium Falcon_ touched down next to the black Upsilon command shuttle. Poe was the first one down the ramp, BB-8 rolling behind him. "How did you-" He wasn't able to finish the question because he had grabbed you and pulled you into a hug. "I was sure that bastard was going to kill you."

"He almost did." You said, quietly. "But the Force saved me. Luke, Luke saved me." 

"You can tell me all about it on the  _Falcon_. Come on."

"Let me grab my bag." You went back to the command shuttle to pick up the bag you'd found on the shuttle, which held your astromech.

"What happened to it?" Poe asked, looking in the bag as he walked up the ramp behind you.

"Kylo never liked BB-752. Definitely didn't like that it was loyal enough to keep the Rebel Base a secret for me." You tried to push down the sadness you had about it.

"Rey's pretty good with mechanical repairs. That's what she did on Jakku."

"I know." You set the astromech down on the ship and waited for Poe to join you in the sitting area, as the cargo ship took off, likely with Chewbacca piloting.

"Tell me everything." Poe demanded, softly as he sat in front of you.

"You heard what happened on Cantonica, right?"

He nodded. "We were so proud of you for standing your ground."

"Then, I'll start with waking up on the  _Finalizer_ , mostly naked and set on a restraining table in front of a very angry Kylo Ren." You swallowed. "He was very angry that I'd turned rebel but he was furious about me and you."

"Really?" He sounded incredulous.

You nodded. "Yeah. Apparently, he still thinks I belong to him." Poe looked angry at the thought and that gave you a surge of happiness. "Didn't care about Hux because he knew I didn't really want Hux, but you... you took my hate, so he... He hurt me. He wanted to break me so that I'd be... what he wanted me to be. Make me his apprentice again or his slave."

"How bad was it?"

"You've been tortured by the First Order before. How do you think it was?"

"I'm sorry." He reached out and took your hand in his. "I assume Ren went harder on you than any of them went on me."

You chuckled. "Poe, do you have any idea what Snoke made us do to each other to prove we weren't in love anymore? What he did to me on  _Finalizer_ was just physical pain and I've been trained to combat that. Which he knew, of course, having received the same training, but he also knew he couldn't hurt me the way he used to; the way Snoke did, so he had to hope that I would be weaker than his efforts, like I always have been. But I... I guess I'm not anymore. For the first time in my life, I have something to be strong for."

You smiled softly, and Poe was powerless to stop the reciprocating smile he gave in return. "Anyway, he made me bleed, and he made me scream and eventually, I guess I passed out. When I woke up, I was back... and better. Shax is gone. I woke up and Luke was there, in Force Spirit, and he told me that he knew, the whole time, about Ben and me. He didn't say anything because he thought love was a powerful aid to the Light, and he's right, you know? Ben took my love and my Light and filled me up with hate and Darkness. You took my hate and filled me with Light."

"Is that your way of saying you love me?" Poe asked, with a smirk.

"Maybe. What I'm saying, more than that, is that Shax: Dark Lord of the Sith is dead."

"So, did you use your crazy magic to escape?" He moved to sit next to you instead of across from you.

You shook your head. "No. Actually, I used Armitage Hux." You leaned your head against his shoulder. "He just  _had_  to come see me once Kylo told him I'd turned traitor. I managed to convince him that I hadn't really turned against the First Order, just against Supreme Leader Ren. We'd spoken of our hatred for him in the past so it wasn't hard to convince him. He demanded the location of the base, but I told him that I couldn't give up the rebel base until Rey and I killed Kylo Ren and he released me." You left out the part about the kiss. It didn't seem that important.

"I  _did_  use my 'crazy magic' against the stormtroopers that Hux sent in for me to overpower. I got one of them to tell me where 752 was. Unfortunately, it was in a scrap heap. I really hope that Rey can fix it. I mean, I know it's a bit absurd that I'm upset about a robot, but-"

"Hey, I get it. Your astromech's a friend."

You nodded. "The oldest I've got. I've had BB-752 damn near my whole life, I can't imagine living without it. I'd really like the opportunity for it to see me... happy."

"We'll get it fixed." He promised, quietly. "I'm excited for the opportunity to see you happy, too." You just smiled and wrapped your arm around him. You were looking forward to being happy with him.


End file.
